Saturday, June 30, 2012

My Song - Pixelated (When the Earth Stops Turning)

(verse 1)
It's another hot day under the summer sun
So I grab my camera and I'm looking for some shots to take
So I can see You

I see wildflowers touch the morning sky
And wild horses gallop as far as the eye can see
You're beauty is laid out before me

But sometimes my eyes are closed
And sometimes I just can't see
What is right in front of me

(chorus)
It all becomes so
Pixelated
Why can't we see the beauty this earth can be?
Everything is so pixelated
When will we learn to breathe deep and see the world's majesty?
So pixelated

(verse 2)
I try to fit this love into an 8x10 frame
But it just won't fit, His love can't be contained
It's overflowing

Unsteady hands cause me to lose my grip
And all the equipment just seems to weigh me down
But I won't falter

But sometimes I can't quite reach
And sometimes it's just not there
Depending on the mood I'm in

(chorus)
It all becomes so
Pixelated
Why can't we see the beauty this earth can be?
Everything is so pixelated
When will we learn to breathe deep and see the world's majesty?
So pixelated

(outro)
When the earth stops turning, what will be left to see?
When the earth stops turning, will there be hope for you and me?
When the earth stops turning, will we look up to the sky?
And see Him?  And see him!

© Spiritual Animystical

MEANING:
This is a new song I worked on today, and honestly I believe it's one of my bests.  I wanted to work on transitions and steady strumming, and I believe I achieved just that.  I hope you like it.  Lyrics are on the video, but also posted with my thoughts below.  For you non-photographers, pixelated might be an unheard of term.  When you see a digital photograph, it is made up of millions upon millions of pixels.  Each pixel has a set color.  When you blow it up, you see the individual squares, or pixels.

Verse 1 - When I go shooting various spots, I always try to make sure that I realize, I am just a person taking the photo... God's the designer of the scene.  Whether it be a landscape, or animals, it's His creation.  So I got into the habit of always thanking Him and/or the animals that allowed me to be with them for a few minutes. 
Verse 1 last part - I think that applies to everything in life... whether it be in our daily lives, our spiritual lives, it's very open)
Verse 2 - Yes... photography equipment is heavy. 
Verse 2 - I couldn't tell you how many times I've gone out to shoot, but because of the mood I was in, I got nothing.  And no amount of trying could bring it to me.  Sometimes it's like that with our relationship with God... we have to escape that mood to fully bring Him in.
The outro is honestly my favorite part of the song.  All our doubts and fears about what will happen to us in the future... it's ridiculous to worry.  So the song is about living for today, don't worry about tomorrow.  Enjoy the moment... stop being pixelated!

Sunday, June 24, 2012

My Poetry - At Death's Door

This light’s so bright
It hurts my eyes
Makes me wince more than twice
Living in the shadow of the Chosen One’s skies

Nothing I ever do is good enough
Will ever be good enough
Scraping my body to the bone
Trying to get atop this mountain of lies

So perfect, so beautiful he stands
For all to see
While I, the demon hell spawn
Crawl from the murky depths

Judgment bellows from the hypocrite men
The perfect one laughs from an imperfect life
Keeping oneself hidden inside
The secret agenda makes bitter ones cry

Little girl hidden in the alley way
Just wants life back from these black skies
Evil lies penetrate; suffocate
Agitate

Just show your true self
Don’t try to hide
I can see through all your lies
It’s KILLING me to keep them inside

This death so slow
Like a carcass rotting with maggots inside
Trying to petrify, liquefy all the internal organs
The walking dead try to rise

Mummy; Mommy
She does not see your lies
Rose tints fill her eyes
And I’m left here wishing I could die

© Spiritual Animystical

MEANING:
This poem is about hypocrisy and lies.

Saturday, June 23, 2012

My Song - Lord Help Me

(verse 1)
Lord help me to write this song
And help me to sing along
Help me make the most of what you’ve given me

Lord help me when things are tough
And the pressures of this world pull me down
I need you so much Lord, please help me

Sometimes I just don’t have the strength to fight
Or the will to stand against the plight
Help me get through when the days given me nothing but grief

Lord help me because I’m lost in the sea
It’s pulling me under and I can’t breathe
I need you so much Lord, reach your hand down to me

(chorus)
Oh Lord help me

(verse 2)
Lord help me when the wind’s blowing cold
When the shivers of darkness surround my bones
Help me I cry, as I fall at your feet

Lord help me when my sight grows dim
When my breath grows ragged and my muscles give in
Give me Your strength
Help me combat this sin

(chorus)
Oh Lord help me

© Spiritual Animystical

MEANING:
I started writing this the night that I found out that I had a cyst on my brain.  I started praying and these are the lyrics that came out.  I finished it and while the recording isn't perfect and I plan on rerecording it, I just had to get it out there.  I hope you like.

My Song - Havoc

(verse 1)
Sanity spoke
And I listened
The tears I cried
Only bitter remnants
Of a day long gone
That should not be remembered
But it is

The sweet murky depths
Of this tattered soul
Cry out “Havoc”
To the God of old
Commiserate with me
Until I grow old

(Chorus)
Hold me in your arms, love me deeply

Protect me, need me
Hold me, keep me

Light a fire beneath me, a candle burned brightly

Protect me, need me
Hold me, keep me

A lust for peace for a tormented soul

Protect me, need me
Hold me, keep me

Save me before my heart grows cold

Protect me, need me
Hold me, keep me
 
Protect me

(verse 2)
I cannot find solace
In this misery
Only the birds chirping
Bring me peace
The sting of the wasp
Brings me clarity
I long for pacificity

Pain; Pleasure; It’s all the same
Can’t see the forest for the trees
Wanton to find that sweet release
Needing only the truth
That His love brings
And not false prophets

(chorus - x1)

(bridge)
This bitter hole in my heart
Slowly heals
He fills my soul
His orgasm begins

(chorus - x2)

© Spiritual Animystical

MEANING:
I started writing this with a different intent, but it turned it into a song about growth, and about overcoming false love and turning to true love.  I also wrote the bulk of it (1st verse and chorus) in less than a minute.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

My Short Story - Time Travel

Word Count: 2307 
This is kind of a revenge fantasy daydream.

Time Travel

Doc Brown had it half right.  Time travel does involve plutonium.  But it involves a whole lot more than what was shown in the movie, and just about everything short of a flux capacitor.  That’s where I got the initial idea for time travel, but as the decades past it seemed like that idea would never come to fruition.  You might think to yourself, what would a person like me want to go back in time for?  I could stop the creation of the Atom bomb?  I could right wrongs like Sam Beckett in Quantum Leap.  I could see the signing of the Declaration of Independence.  No, none of that.  What I want is much more important.  And as I step into the five foot squared box that’s going to rocket me into the past, I feel exhilarated.  None of my classmates knew the reason behind the year I chose… 1991.  There was nothing too significant that year, and so I said it would be a good year to make the first jump.  Unbeknownst to them, I did have an agenda, and as I felt the static electricity of the machine as it came to life, I smiled and laughed.

I was always told I had an evil laugh, but this one definitely was meant to be.  The air popped around me and the lights in the science lab flickered.  Any second now and I would be transported to another time and place.  We had sent test dummies and animals into the past and future, and both came back unscathed.  Now it was time for the first human experiment.  I chose eagerly to be first.  I told them to give me a few hours before they called me back.  That should hopefully be enough time to get the job done.  I had already done the research… after all, I lived it.  And now all I had to do was get there, find the kid, and complete my mission.  So as the machine made its final calculations, I closed my eyes and when I opened them again, I was in the year 1991.

Things were so much simpler and innocent back then.  But life seems better when you look back, than when you actually lived it.  What’s the old saying?  Hindsight is twenty/twenty and all.  My life was not better though.  It was hell.  Pure, unadulterated, hell.  Every single day I was picked on by this one kid.  I didn’t mind the random teasing from others, but this boy made every single day of my teenage life, hell.  That was when my depression started, and it continues to this very day.  I missed out on so many of the things a teenager is supposed to experience.  Prom, friends, dating, I missed it all, all because of this one boy.  Because of his constant teasing, I found that I just could not put my trust in anyone.  Nobody was worth it.  And it continued on throughout the years.  When I would make friends, they would backstab me.  I couldn’t keep jobs, because of co-workers harassing me.  It’s been a constant in my life, this lack of trusting.

When I finally graduated high school I thought that hell would be over.  I thought I could finally move on with my life.  But that torture has stayed with me every single step of the way.  The one constant thing in my life was my hatred for him.  The one thing that just irked me to no end was that he called himself a Christian.  Ha!  Yeah right!  And that was when I said to myself “If this is how Christians act, then I don’t want any part of it!”  And as the years passed, the hatred grew.  I wanted to go to my ten year reunion just to confront him, and maybe punch his lights out, but I didn’t.  I couldn’t even muster up the strength to do that.  I didn’t care about the consequences, I just wanted revenge.  And now, after all this time, today I get that.

I befriended this nerdy kid in college.  I found out he was working on creating a time machine for his thesis.  I knew that it was quite unlikely that he would ever discover it, but he was one of the smartest people I had ever known.  So I geeked up.  I learned whatever I could about physics and science, which wasn’t an easy task considering I’d failed science class multiple times in high school.  He tutored me though, and we developed a bond.  I wanted to help him out so that he could find his answer, and so that I might be able to go back in time and take care of a few things.  The bond grew into love, and even if it wasn’t reciprocated by me, I used it to my advantage.  We spent countless hours working on this project.  One night we just kind of stumbled upon it, and had a ‘eureka’ moment.  A year later we had the working machine and started testing.  And six months after that, I’m standing in the middle of a parking lot in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida, in the year 1991.  Amazing!  Absolutely amazing!

It took me a few minutes to realize where I was, it had changed so much in the last fifteen years.  It was a good thing I looked young, I should be able to pull off a young fresh-out-of-college teacher.  So I oriented myself to my surroundings, and start to walk off towards the school’s main building.  If I’m not mistaken, the new principal started that year, and it was the first day back from summer vacation, and my younger self would be starting her junior year.  The new Principal wouldn’t know who the new teachers were for that school year, so hopefully I can walk right on by without any problems as long as I look the part… confident and nerdy.

They say a certain smell can take you back to when you were a child.  It was exactly like that.  As I walked through the wide open halls, kids bustled around me, and it was completely surreal.  I remembered where my locker was, where I had my Christmas gift from my best, and only, friend stolen from me.  The girl, whom I can’t remember her name, had the audacity to play with the gift right in front of me in my next class.  I saw the old classroom where I used to wait out front to catch a glimpse of the boy I’d had a crush on all semester, only to find as he exited the classroom, he would point and laugh at me with his friends.  I came across the hallway where a boy was messing around and lifted my shirt only to find that I wasn’t wearing a bra.  Because I hadn’t developed yet, I found no need to wear a bra.  I was a late bloomer, which made the teasing all that much worse.  It was one thing to be short, but to not bloom… let’s just say I loved the TV show Doogie Howser M.D. until that year.  All these memories I had forgotten about until I took one step into this school, and they all came rushing back in a torrential downpour.

But here it was, the pièce de résistance right here in front of me.  The classroom that I had with ‘him’, that started this downward spiral that is my life.  I sucked an involuntary breath in.  I started to visibly shake, and the palms of my hands were slick with sweat.  I peeked in the little window on the door.  I could see me with my New Kids on the Block t-shirt on, and my green shoes with the metal pieces on them that I had gotten that summer on a trip to Atlanta with my mom and aunt.  I was so proud of those shoes.  Too bad I only wore them once, because after that day of ridicule, I couldn’t bring myself to wear them again.  “Where’s your glove, Michael Jackson” is the one phrase that has repeated itself in my head so many times.  I absolutely adored Michael Jackson anyway, and that’s I guess why I really loved those shoes.  But I must tell you, if I didn’t have my best friend, and the New Kids on the Block, I don’t think I ever would have survived.  I wanted to kill myself each and every day.

So as I stand there peering into the window as the tardy bell rings and kids are scrambling to their classrooms, I see my younger self start to tear up.  This was the worst out of all the bad days.  This is the one day I remember the most, when I think of back then.  The one day I wish I could forget.  Which is why I wanted to come back and change it… to erase it from my memory.  I jerk the door open and the teacher looks over towards me.  God she always loved to freeze us out.  The only thing is, the cold room worked opposite on me, I just wanted to fall asleep while all the other kids were wide awake.  Oh what was her name?  Mrs. Smith maybe?  I can’t remember.  But I look at her with all the confidence that I can muster, and say “I need to speak with Mr. King please?”

“May I ask what it’s pertaining to?” she inquires.

“I’m sorry, I’m new in the office and didn’t even think to ask, they just wanted to see him for a minute?”

“Ok, Paul, you need to go with this nice lady here to the office,” she says to him, as he nods his displeasure.  I see myself sitting there, in my dorky short curly hair that my mother would just not let me grow out, give a sigh of relief.

As we step out the classroom door, I nod for him to go one way.

“But the office is the other way?” he protests.

“I know.  We’re not going to the office,” and as he tries to resist I grab him by the scruff of his shirt and drag him out to the parking lot at the back of the school.  Luckily all the kids were in their classes by now, so nobody followed us.

“You know, I came here to kill you today,” I say as I push him up against one of the cars in the parking lot.  He tries to scream so I cover his mouth.  “But I’m not going to do that, because I’m not that type of person.”  He stops squirming and I continue.  “You know that girl you were just picking on in the classroom?”

He gives me a how-did-you-know look, and his brows scrunch together.  He calms down so I lift my hand off his mouth while still holding him up against the car.

“That is me.  I travelled back in time to this very day to change my history.”

“Yeah right, lady!” he smarts off, and I grab the back of his head.  My fingers curl around his short hair, and I smack his head into the car window, nearly breaking it, but hard enough to give him a nice little bruise on his forehead.

“You are a little son of a bitch, you know that?  You made my life a living hell, and I can so easily end yours right now!  So what would you want me to do, huh?”

He rubs his forehead and glares back at me.

“I thought so.  Now, this is what you’re going to do.  You’re going to go back into that class as if nothing happened, when it ends, you are going to apologize to her, and then after that, you are never going to speak to her again.  You will never think about her again.  You are just going to pretend she does not exist.  You won’t look at her, you won’t joke to your friends about her, and if your friends start to joke, then you will change the subject very quickly, do you understand?”  He nods and I continue.  “If you so much as blink her way, I will know, and I will come back, do you understand?  I have a time machine at my disposal and I will use it if I have to!”  Another quick nod and I push him back towards the school building and he slowly walks back to class.

I wasn’t sure if my memory would change instantaneously, if I had to wait for it to happen, or if it wouldn’t change until I got back to my timeline.  I didn’t get the chance to find out, because seconds later I felt myself start to fade out.  They must be pulling me back early, but by my calculations I still had an hour.  Something must be wrong.  I wonder if the Professor had come into the lab that morning only to find we started without him and decided to pull me back sooner rather than wait.  I looked down at my hands as they started to dematerialize.  This wasn’t how I jumped here, why was it different on the way back?  Maybe it was because I wasn’t in the box?  I don’t know, but as I continued to fade, I closed my eyes and prayed for the first time in years.  When I opened them back up, I was standing at my desk, grabbing my backpack and talking with Paul.  I couldn’t believe it, did he actually just apologize?  Did Paul actually just say he was sorry for picking on me all this time, and that it wouldn’t happen again?  I think I might be sick.  I think I might actually just faint right here, right now.  And so I do.

My Short Story - Lost in the Desert

 My Short Story - Lost in the Desert

Word Count:  2661
This came from a dream of mine I had while I was married.

“Where the hell is my husband?”

“He’s still on the helicopter ride, Ma’am,” the snotty little blonde replied.  It was a lie though.  For one, helicopter rides do not last more than thirty minutes… an hour tops.  It had been two hours.  For another, I did a circle around the property looking in each direction, waiting for any type of sound from them in the last hour.  Nothing!  And I told this blonde bitch as much.

“I want my husband now, if you can’t get him here, you take me to him,” and she scurried off, I presumed, to find out the answer.  Although, I was being a bitch, so she could be trying to escape my wrath.

The reason I wasn’t with him, was because I didn’t do helicopters.  They were scary and bumpy, and I preferred the solid ground.  I went on one on our honeymoon in Hawaii, and it was gorgeous, at least what you could see through the scratched and foggy windows.  But the chopper felt like it was going to fall out of the sky the entire time, and I spent the entire time on it thinking, here I was on my honeymoon and I’m going to die before I can even enjoy it!  Yeah, it was definitely not fun.

My husband, on the other hand, absolutely loved it.  Which is why we were here, he wanted to see the desert of Arizona from above.  I told him to find a place that offered rides and he could go up.  We were on our way to Colorado for a vacation, but decided to side trip it to Arizona, because we both always wanted to see the desert.  But the moment we came into this building I got the strangest feeling.  I tried to talk him out of it, the people looked sketchy, but he wouldn’t listen.  He just told me I was being too superstitious.  Maybe I was, maybe I wasn’t?  But these people scared me to my very bones.  I watched as the woman walked towards me from a back office somewhere.
 
“Ma’am, we’ve spoken to the pilot, they should be back within twenty minutes.”  I nodded then walked outside.

The building looked like an old used car lot, with lots of windows that spanned the length of it.  It was on a patch of dry desert, located right off the highway.  There weren’t even paved parking lots, just sand, which is probably why the car lot wasn’t there anymore.  Or it could be the fact that this wasn’t the main highway through Arizona, and traffic was nonexistent.  Either way, I never heard one car the entire time I was out here.  It was like we were in the Bermuda Triangle or something, or an episode of The Twilight Zone.  I could almost hear the announcer of the show say “They turned down the wrong highway into another dimension, and now were stuck, in The Twilight Zone”.  I smacked my forehead.  Maybe I was being superstitious; I just couldn’t shake that nagging feeling in the back of my head.

 I paced up and down the street for thirty minutes, waiting for the sound of the helicopter blades as it neared, but there was nothing.  No sound but the wind whipping the sand around my feet.  I walked a beeline straight to the woman again, raised my eyebrows and placed my hands on my hips.
    “What’s your excuse this time?”

“Ma’am, the pilot just called us back, he had to set down, there is a cut in his fuel line.  I am driving out there with more fuel and a repair kit, would you like to come with me?  It is about two miles out in the hot desert, but seeing as you’re impatiently waiting for your husband, I’ll take you out there and then bring the both of you back, if you’d like?”  She said impatiently with as much disdain as she could muster.
    “I’d like,” I respond equally sarcastic.

So I patiently waited as she grabbed her supplies and we headed out in a jeep.  It wasn’t the comfiest of rides, quite bumpy in fact.  The jeep was your basic Army style jeep, with no top, and completely open to the elements.  In fact, it had nothing in the way of amenities.  No radio or air conditioning to speak of.  It was completely stripped and bare.  I tried to concentrate on the direction we were headed, as well as where we just came from.  I was never good at directions, so I had to pay special attention.

“Do you know where they are?”

“Yes, I have a GPS locator on them,” was her short and snarky response, and I wouldn’t have asked anything else for the rest of the ride, had the jeep’s engine decided not to sputter and die.

“What now?”  At this point, I was getting really perturbed, and my superstitions stepped it up a notch.

“Oh, we are always having problems with this jeep,” she looked at her GPS device and stared out in their supposed general direction.  “They are just about a mile up the way, you stay here and I’ll go deliver the stuff and head back with your husband, ok?”

“Why don’t I go with you?”  I asked, not trusting this woman.

“Oh it’s ok, this happens all the time.  Plus, the terrain is really rocky; if somebody got hurt it would just make things worse.”

“Should we call somebody?”

“Cell phones don’t work out here, there are no cell towers.  But they are only about a mile out, right on the other side of that hill.  I’ll be there and back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.”

So I sat there and waited.  How long did it take a person to walk two miles?  It couldn’t take more than an hour at the most.  So I sat in the jeep, the sun beating down on me, and tried to patiently wait.  It felt like about an hour later, so I pulled out my phone and looked at the time.  Sure enough, it was.  I tried to get a signal, but my phone just beeped at me as the call failed and ended.  I decided to wait a little bit more.  Thankfully I brought some water with me, and I sipped on that slowly.  There was no telling how long I was going to be out here.

After another thirty minutes I decided to make the trek up the hill and see if I could spot the helicopter.  I reached the top of the hill and peered out.  It was nothing but flatland, and there was nothing, absolutely nothing except sand and cactus, for miles.  There was no helicopter, and she was gone.  She couldn’t have made it all the way across that in just the short time she’d been gone.  Something was up, and I was determined to find out what.

I walked back to the jeep, grabbed my water bottle, and started walking towards the office building.  It couldn’t have been more than a couple of miles, so I paced myself.  The midday heat was dry thankfully, not like the moist heat in Florida, at least I could breathe in this.  However, it was still summer, and at least a hundred degrees.  I walked past so many different types of cactus, some I had never seen before.  The only cactus we have in Florida is what you’d buy at maybe a Home Depot or Wal-Mart.  Little potted cactus that had flowers on them.  I never really understood how a person could think these were all that pretty.  And as I walked past them now, trying to avoid getting pricked by one, I acquired a healthy hatred for them.  Considering that some were actually poisonous, and I didn’t know which ones were, I tried my best to stay several feet away from them.

I could see the building in the horizon and quickened my pace.  I was so glad that I paid attention to the direction of the sun and the landmarks as we were driving out.  As I came upon the back of the building I heard nothing and wondered why it was so quiet.  When I made my way around to the front of the building, I noticed all the cars were gone.  They must have gone to lunch or something.  So I walked to the front door and tried to pull it open.  Locked, but how could that be.  I peered into the window and saw that everything was gone.  Every couch, chair, desk, all of it was gone.

“That’s impossible!”  It just couldn’t be.  This kind of setup only happens in movies, it didn’t happen in real life, did it?  I tried knocking on the door, just in case somebody was inside, to no avail.  I looked around for anything that I could use to break the window.  I found a rock and hefted it in my hand.  It was about a pound, so hopefully it would work.  I chucked it at the large window that spanned from the ceiling to the floor, and watched as it shattered into thousands of shards.  Thankfully, I did play a little baseball when I was younger, and I was happy with my toss.  I gently stepped through the broken window, after I had made sure all the large pieces had fallen to the ground.  My shoes crunched on the chunks of glass, and I gingerly walked over them.  I looked around the completely desolate building, only to find that every piece of decoration, every potted plant and every painting on the wall, all of the décor that had been there several hours ago, was gone.  It was completely barren, just like this horrible desert.

I wiped the sweat from my brow and took another sip from my water bottle.  The water was almost gone, so I figured I could refill it in the bathroom.  I walked into the bathroom and quickly made my way to the sink.  I was looking forward to running some cool water over my head and down my body.  But unfortunately my luck would run out, for as I turned the knobs nothing but air came out.  Unbelievable!  What on earth did we do to these people?  We were just two nobodies on a vacation that we couldn’t afford, what on earth could we offer to these people?

If it was city water I could have found the switch and turned it back on, but unfortunately it was in the middle of a wasteland, so I was pretty sure the water supply came from a well, and I had no clue how to work that.  I grew up in suburbia; I wouldn’t even know what to look for, or where to find it.  So I tried looking for a kitchen or refrigerator somewhere.  I found the kitchen, but the refrigerator was completely empty.  I remembered that we had some water in the car, and I fumbled in my pocket for the keys.

I didn’t want to leave the immediate area, just in case my husband came back, but I was getting scared and I needed to find help.  So I popped the trunk of the car, grabbed a bottle of water, sat in the front seat, and drank half the bottle in one gulp.  This desert air was drying me out, and I needed to find my husband and get the hell out of here.  I turned the ignition, and it didn’t even make a sound.  The battery was completely dead.  I knew that was impossible, we had just bought the battery before the trip, because we didn’t want to take a chance.  So as I popped the hood, I look down to find the battery completely gone.

How was that even possible?  I had the keys the entire time.  This went from accidental, to probable, to definite in a matter of seconds.  I tried to give the benefit of the doubt, even after I found the building completely vacant, but now I knew without a doubt that this was a set up, and both my husband and I, were in trouble.

I had left my purse in the car before going out on the jeep, and so I grabbed it from the car, dumped out everything I didn’t need, and filled it with the remaining few bottles of water.  I had a feeling I was going to need it.  I chugged the last half of my bottle and threw it into the car, grabbed another full one from the back, and closed everything up and locked the doors.  I looked both ways down the highway and figured I better walk back the way we came from.  There had to be cell towers out here somewhere, I just needed to find one.  And so I started walking.

I lost track of time.  I didn’t know how long I was walking, but the sun had gone down and been down for awhile.  Every so often I would pull out my cell to check for a connection, but it was futile, and I had no choice but to continue walking.  By the next morning I had gone through over half of my water supply, and was nowhere near a tower, and no closer to finding my husband.

I was starting to get desperate.  My lips were cracked and bleeding and blisters had already formed in between my toes and on the bottoms of my feet.  Every step was filled with pain, and elicited moans from my mouth.  After the sun came up it steadily grew worse.  Sweat caked my body, and I was well past the beginning stages of hyperthermia.  The fatigue, cramps, and exhaustion started several hours ago, and the heat was only going to intensify it.  I tried to ration my water, but I was so thirsty I ended up gulping the last bottle.  If I didn’t get help soon, I was going to heat stroke.  That was not a pleasant way to die.  I had already experienced heat exhaustion several times in my life, and so I knew the warning signs.

I continued to walk down the asphalt, what choice did I have?  The sun rose higher and the heat spiked.  I walked until I could walk no more.  As I fell to my knees, the last thought on my mind, was how much I loved my husband.  I landed against the pavement, face plastered to the blistering tar blacktop, and with that I fell into the abyss.

I later learned that if I had just walked the other way, there was a gas station about five miles up the road that could have called the police for me.  But it wouldn’t have mattered, my husband was already dead.  As I lay in the hospital, the Sheriff’s Deputy explained how he found me, and where he found my husband’s body, he did his best to convey his sorrow.  The people were gone, no trace of them left, and the police and FBI were completely baffled.  They couldn’t explain what happened, and only told me that I was lucky to have survived.  I didn’t feel lucky.

After they left the hospital room, I grabbed a syringe that the nurse had left on the bedside table.  She forgot something and went to retrieve it, and I took the opportunity to fill the syringe with air and shove it into the IV.  It wasn’t going to be a nice death.  I imagined an air embolism would be quite painful, but the will in me to live without my husband, was gone.  I would not live without him.  So as the pain wracks my body and I start to lose consciousness, I realize that the Deputy was wrong.  The body that they had recovered was not that of my husband, because my husband came into the room the exact second that my heart faltered.

Sunday, June 17, 2012

My Song - Bitter Ends

(verse 1)
You stole every piece of my heart and then some
My love was a contest you’d clearly won
The lies that you told me I believed wholeheartedly
The money you stole from me I would have given free

But all that now has changed
I’ll never look at you the same
Things between us have grown strange
And you’re the one to blame

(chorus)
You’ve made me who I am
And I will never trust again
All the love that we shared
Came crashing in
You’ve made me who I am
And I will never trust again
Oh the love we had
Was the bitter end

(verse 2)
I wish that I could forget you or travel back in time
I wish I could bleach out my brain or just stop asking “Why?”
Like a knife through my heart it’s been ripped to shreds
No matter where you are I hear your voice in my head

You’ve changed me now
I’m strong yet weak, one and the same
Oh I’m the bitch now
And you’re the one to blame

(chorus)
You’ve made me who I am
And I will never trust again
All the love that we shared
Came crashing in
You’ve made me who I am
And I will never trust again
Oh the love we had
Was the bitter end

(bridge)
I told you that I loved you
Told you over and over again
Muted words on deaf ears
Strained voices; clenched hands
You lied to me
And I won’t forgive that
You made me feel guilty
Where’s the God in that?
You’re such a hypocrite!
Lying for your desires
I hope you get what you want
Cause you’re such a good liar

(chorus x2)
You’ve made me who I am
And I will never trust again
All the love that we shared
Came crashing in
You’ve made me who I am
And I will never trust again
Oh the love we had
Was the bitter end

© Spiritual Animystical

MEANING:
This is about trust. I trusted a person and he committed the ultimate breach of that trust.

As a divorcee, I always dread the question when I meet strangers... "Are you married?"  What response could I possibly give that I end up on the good side of?  Because if I just say I'm divorced, that means I'm the product of a failed marriage so there must be something wrong with me.  If I say I'm single... well that just doesn't sound right either.  A mid to late 30's woman who's never been married?  I must be some kind of troll or something.

So what do I say?  Because as soon as I say "I'm divorced" the usual responses happen.  "Oh I'm so sorry about that."  Why?  I'm not.  So that is my response.  "Why? I'm not."

I was stuck in a marriage with a man that was a user, an emotional abuser and liked to use every excuse in the book to get his way.  And when that wouldn't work, he defaulted to God told him to.  God told him to buy a drum set.  God told him to buy a computer.  God told him this.  God told him that.  Because if I went against God, I was A) a hypocrite, and B) going to be judged for it.  He didn't like it so much when I turned the tables and said "God told me to buy a diamond."  His response was "Are you really sure that's from God?"  Yes, because only he could talk to the Almighty.

"Why?  I'm not!"

This is a song that I wrote about it... and trust me, it's very far from being a "Christian" song.  But I wrote this in an effort to get a lot of the frustration I had after my failed marriage, and deal with the emotions that were running rampant through my brain.  This is one of many songs that I wrote... maybe I'll share those with you too... not sure yet.

Saturday, June 16, 2012

My Poetry - You Are My Sunshine

Sometimes I feel like I can't get to you,
You're right there in front of me,
But you're not making sense.

Mouthing "I love you,"
But I don't feel so blessed.

What's wrong with us?
Why have we come to this?

I'm merely feet away from you,
But I feel miles apart.

I look at you in sadness,
See your elongated face;
I don't understand,
What happened along the way?

I feel every hair on your hand,
As you stroke my cheek,
I miss that;
I miss it so much.

Can you just hold me in your arms,
Like you used to do?
Stroke my hair gently
And sing to me?
Like when I was your little girl,
So long ago?

I miss you so much,
Did you have to leave?
Please Dad, come back to me!

It wasn't my fault,
That's what they said,
But I can't help but feeling that way.

I felt the pain in my chest,
The moment you left;
I should've done something,
To make you stay.

I want those days back,
When you sang to me,
"You are my Sunshine,"
Don't you know you're mine too, Daddy?

© Spiritual Animystical

MEANING:
This is about my dad, he died so very long ago and I miss him dearly. Based on this song which he used to sing to me every morning:

"You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,
You make me happy, when skies are gray,
You'll never know dear, how much I love you,
Please don't take, my sunshine away."

My Poetry - The Man in the Moon

The Man in the Moon
Cries a tear for the dying
A prayer for the sighing
As Havoc has descended

The ghosts of dead heroes
Long gone from this earth
Tremble at this site
Longing to awaken and fill this pitiful void

The macrocosm of selfishness
That exudes from every pore
Every orifice spewing hatred
Hatemongering hoi polloi

The system never changes
Decades; Centuries;
Until damnation takes its wings
And Terra Firma is no more

© Spiritual Animystical

MEANING: This poem is about selfishism, the true religion in America right now.

Friday, June 15, 2012

My Poetry - Darkness

Silence; Speaks volumes
Longing to be
One; Together; Joined

Noise; There’s so much noise
Static everywhere;
Can’t take it anymore
So hard to bear

Darkness encompasses;
Everything black
Needing; Wanting;

Voices; Voices everywhere
Pleading; Begging
I’m tired of it all

I need to be quiet
I can’t stand the noise;
Peace in my mind;
At ease

I can’t sleep; Can’t breathe;
Take me away.

© Spiritual Animystical